the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
