i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
