Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
