I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
They took my balls.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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