I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
