Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
