i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you would pick up someone in the library
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
