Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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