Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
