one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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