My hand turned me down
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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