Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
