I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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