dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
wow bdsm is so cute
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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