So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
