Already got asked if we're dating
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
