All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
