1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
