we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Actions speak louder than pants.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
