I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
