After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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