please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
