Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
