There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
