Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
