Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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