I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You ruined the universe
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
