I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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