When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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