I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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