my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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