a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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