you're like a bully in the Christmas story
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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