jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You are the jesus of drinking
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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