Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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