remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
