i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
