my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
