i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
