next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
COCAINE IS GR8
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
