Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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