How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
