Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
