Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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