matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
