omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
