Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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