fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
