I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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