the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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