May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
