I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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