I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
