You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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