I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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