Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
